Purging

“Experience is the name people give to their mistakes.” –Oscar Wilde

No offense, Oscar, but I beg to differ.

I’m twenty-four, and I’ve been through more in that time than most people have gone through in a lifetime. That wealth of experience is far from just a compilation of my mistakes.

I don’t really believe in any particular system of faith. I don’t believe in a savior, and I don’t believe that I’m going to hell (if there is such a place) for being in love with a woman. But I DO believe that there is something bigger than me, and that something puts things in my way to make me learn. Everything happens for a reason, and that reason is a lesson.

The last year of my life has been one giant obstacle. It seemed like I couldn’t catch a break. It was supposed to be my new life… my LAST new life. But here I am, starting over again, because the Universe had other plans.

My question was: what the fuck was I supposed to learn from that? What do you learn from someone Cybil-ing from caring about you, to strangling you on your front lawn less than 20 feet from where your children are sleeping? What was I supposed to learn from the daily struggle just to keep my head up, my feet grounded and surging forward in happiness, in spite of the hell that I was surrounded by? What was I supposed to learn from constantly having to defend myself and my actions against someone who didn’t even deserve an explanation in the first place?

I learned how to be completely, and unapologetically, myself. I’m loud, unabashed, and completely obnoxious when I’m in a particularly good mood. I like to play outside on a swing set. I like to sing LOUD in the car with the windows down. I like to make a fool out of myself in public- the more people watching, the better. I learned that it’s okay to feel things, and to feel them deeply. I learned that its okay to want more. Most importantly, I learned that I am so much better than I used to give myself credit for – and “sunshine” will now have to put up with my cockiness.

I gained a circle of incredible friends. Em, Pocket, Army Grade, Vroom-Vroom, Princess, Lauren… you all are bomb. I wish I could pack you all in a suitcase and bring you with me. You showed me what it is to care about someone without expecting something in return. The friendships you gave me are some of the purest I’ve ever experienced. I never felt so good as I did hanging out with you, and It had better not be too long before we can do it again. I’m holding you to that summer road trip!

I’m starting over again, but this time, I’m not walking away from the previous chapter. I’m taking a piece of it with me. To date, this has been the biggest, greatest, and most worthwhile life lesson.

Now to start the next…